I woke up with the single worst hangover I have ever had! And let me tell you I’ve had some doozies! I was out with my wife, my sister Karen and her boyfriend Tom to celebrate Karen’s birthday. I swear we hit every single pub on the strip and closed down a couple of them on a very busy Saturday night. Leaning over my wife to get a better look at the clock I noticed it was only a little after seven in the morning. My wife stirred sleepily “Not now honey, I’m to tired” she groaned. “No worries babe, me too” smirking at her assumption. ” I just gotta pee.” She mumbled something about sharing a little to much. I climbed out of bed wiping the sleep from my eyes and wobbled over to the bathroom for a much needed tinkle.
The shades were still drawn tight and only a fragment of light shone through the window. I was almost at the bathroom when I accidentally stepped on Bart’s tail. Bart is our 7 year old German Shepherd that we took in a few years ago. “Hey dumb-ass, watch it!” Bart exclaimed in a surly fashion. “Oops, sorry about that” I said groggily, and continued onward with my much anticipated date with the loo. I flicked on the light and took my stance and was about to (well you get the picture) when I snapped wide awake and stared at Bart laying in the other room through the bath room door. “What the hell?” I thought to myself. “Did Bart just speak to me?” I couldn’t wrap my head around what I had just heard. “I must still be drunk from last night?”
Bart leaned over and started licking himself as most dogs (or cats for that matter) do. He glanced up at me watching him. “Uhm do you mind, I don’t watch you pee now do I?” he said “So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t watch me…groom myself!” An obvious grin crossed his face, he stood and walked out of our bedroom. At this point my jaw was on the floor and I thought for sure that I was going completely crazy! I noticed that I had not quite hit the toilet as I was still reeling from what I had just seen and heard, obviously not paying attention to what I was doing. Shaking my head (the big one you perv!) and finishing up my… ahh duties, I returned to the bedroom. I watched Bart trot lazily down the hallway and sat on the edge of our bed. Shaking my wife on the shoulder I said “I think I need to go to the doctor Jenna! I’m hallucinating!” She mumbled something incoherent and rolled over, covering herself with her blankets.
It was then that I heard the fridge door open and someone was whistling, very out of tune mind you but a whistle none the less. I took a look at my wife laying there snoring and stood, making my way to the kitchen. I slowly peered around the corner to see Bart and our two cats Mimi and Fritz preparing what looked a lot like breakfast. They had eggs and bacon out on the counter and Fritz had just swiped the handle of the toaster down to toast a bagel. Mimi looked over at me and cheerfully asked “Morning Geoff, want some eggs?” I retreated back around the corner as if I was hiding from her, trying to gather my thoughts. My pets were speaking to me, and making… food? Rubbing my hands against my face “I’m losing it!” I spoke out loud. “Losing what?” said Fritz as he had appeared at my feet. I jump back, screaming a little as my heart pounded inside my chest.
I closed my eyes wishing for this dream to be over and when I opened them Fritz was still sitting there, now joined by both Bart and Mimi. “You okay big guy?” said Bart. Mimi looked at Fritz “I think he’s gonna be sick!” Fritz rubbed against my legs, weaving in and around them. “Calm down Geoff, take a breath and tell us what’s wrong, maybe we can help?” asked Mimi. “Help? Help?” waving my hands in the air. “I think I’m beyond help at this point aren’t I?” Bart chuckled to himself. “Dude your not handling this very well are you?” they all had smiles on their faces now. “Maybe you should sit down and we can talk about this” said Fritz walking back to the kitchen. “Have a seat, I’ve got the coffee going and it should be ready” He hopped up on the counter and began pouring me a steaming mug of coffee.
Bart put his paw against my leg and gave me a shove. “Move along little doggie!” he instructed. I walked slowly into the kitchen and sat down as Fritz handed me the mug. “Ahh…thanks” I said looking at him and the coffee. “How come you guys are talking to me?” I asked. “We just got word last night that it was okay to talk to you humans now!” Mimi answered as she gathered up the toast from the toaster and plopped it down on a plate. “Who…whoo, uhm…who?” I stammered “We’re not owls Geoff, spit it out” joked Bart. “Who said it was okay?” finishing what I was trying to say. “To… you know, talk?” “The big guy of course” said Fritz , like I was asking the dumbest question ever.
Bart turned my chair to face him “Okay, listen up monkey boy. Things are going to be changing around here from now on.” Pausing briefly he continued “For one thing, I am not. Let me repeat this, I am not going to play fetch anymore! Do you know how humiliating that is? You throw it, I bring it back, you grab it again and toss it away… annnnd repeat!” “It’s completely monotonous! How would you like it if I grabbed your cell phone out of your hand and tossed it every time you picked it up?” he exclaimed “You’d get a little pissed too now wouldn’t you?” he sat there looking at me, awaiting my response. “Uhm…sure, I guess I can do that!” adding “I thought you liked that?” “Ya…no.” he said shaking his head.
“Oh!” said Mimi gesturing towards her litter box “On a brighter note, we won’t be needing those anymore.” “We are more than capable of using the real toilet, and much more sanitary wouldn’t you think?” she winked at me. She finished buttering the toast and handed me a piece, which I took tentatively and quietly ate a bite in silence, trying to take it all in. After a long moment of eating my toast and watching my former pets, now apparently roommates, go about their business of making and eating their own breakfast. I finally decided this was a good thing and started to smile from ear to ear. Bart glanced at me and a grin came across his face. ‘You just got it didn’t you?” I took a swig of coffee “I think so…yes!” and asked Fritz “So is this happening everywhere, with every animal?” “Ayup!” he answered “Everywhere! All over the world” “This should make for an interesting day” I said. Mimi winked at me again and said “It already is my friend, it already is!”
Bart stood up, grabbed another mug and the coffee pot and said “So, let’s go wake up sleepy head shall we?” chuckling to himself ” I think we need to have ourselves a little chat” He was grinning again and started to whistle what sounded much like Queen’s tune We are the Champions, heading down the hallway with Fritz and Mimi in tow. “Coming?” Mimi said. I stood, gathering myself and said “Why the hell not, this should be interesting!” and joined the little trio to surprise my wife!
Things changed for mankind that day. Some in this world didn’t take the addition of animal/human communication to well. Some embraced it as a gift from God, others felt it heralded the ends of days. Laws were quickly passed to include the animal kingdoms new-found rights Products were adjusted to fit the ever-increasing demands and cars were retro-fitted to accommodate our beastly counterparts. After almost a decade of disorder and chaos the hubbub settled down. The societies of both Human and Animailian (which is how they referred to themselves) began to work together to better both sets of intelligent life forms. There were representatives within all levels of Government in every corner of the globe. Animailian teachers began instructing both Human and Animailian children incorporating themselves into everyday life.
Society grew and came together that fateful day. We have finally learned to work for a common goal and have achieved such tremendous things since our joining of minds. Hate is decreasing across this great planet of ours. They had a very unique view of the world and helped us to eradicate most forms of pollution and disease. We are set to send the first Aninauts into space to help build new vehicles in orbit to clean up the waste we have created. Maybe one day we will explore the cosmos together, but for now we are content with making our home planet better for all Anamalians and Humans alike, as one…as it should be. And here I thought I was just going to sleep in that day…who knew?
Stay safe, stay warm… and be kind to each one another.